Hullavington Poetry  Group

Limerick Competition 2007

The Limericks

A Scotsman who lives in Dundee
Invited two ladies for tea,
Do you know what he did?
He charged them Ten Quid
They were shocked ‘cos they thought it was free !

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1. A veteran runner from here
Dined on Scots’ porridge oats and beer
With poached eggs on toast, tea
Bacon, mushrooms and beans
Topped up with some bubble and squeak.
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2. There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who was exceedingly fond of Butter,
He spread it so thick
He made himself sick
And now he’s lying in the gutter.
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3. No Willpower ?

At dinner my friend said,”I should
Refrain from indulging in pud.”
But she just could not stifle
Her wish for some trifle.
She ate some, I knew that she would.
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4. The Star serves good lunches and beers
Roast Lamb, mint sauce, cabbage and peas
Very rich gravy as well,
Hot syrup puds, rich smell
And large pots of Tea for us all.
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5. A Bakers’ apprentice called Brent
Even covered in Flour, was a gent
But making doughnuts all day
For very little pay
Was never enough for the rent !
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6. Dinner Disaster ?

For dinner I planned a Goulash
I’d serve it with style and panache.
But my guests said,” This stew
Tastes something like glue”
So, instead, we had sausage and mash !
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7. Noel, the American Turkey
Onion saucy, apple saucy
Stuffing and sausages too
Ring his neck the ‘noo’
Roast the bird , let’s feast away now.
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8. There was a Hullavington Miss
Who asked her young man for a kiss,
She threw a big party
Where he ate good and hearty
Then said I’d like much more of this !
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9. There was a young lady from Tardy
Who was rather fond of a Lardie
She phoned up our Nick
And said bake one quick
‘Cos I’m sitting here eating my Cardie !
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10. Masterchef? No.!

The judges were far from impressed
By a foolish young chef from the west
One judge said this hasta
Be quite the worst Pasta
It tastes like my Dads’ old string vest!
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11. There was a young lady from Surrey
Who ate all her meals in a hurry
She ate and she ate
Everything on her plate
But the dish she couldn’t hurry was curry !
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12. A chap who was greedy with food
Knew that this was incredibly rude,
But chips, bangers and pies
Brought delight to his eyes
So gargantuan portions ensued.
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13. Masterchef of Dangerchef?

A Chinese eccentric called Chang
Created a massive meringue
I’m not sure ‘twas right
To include Dynamite
But his dinners went off with a bang !
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14. There was a young girl from Bangcock
Extremely fond of seaside rock
She ate it all day
In a gluttonous way
Now she’s too fat to fit into her frock.!
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15. Hurrah for British Food!

The head Chef at the Hotel Celeste,
Admitted British Food was the best
‘For your boiled Treacle Pud
Is exceedingly good,
Ah Mon Dieu, it puts hair on your chest !’
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16. Deprived Ducks?

To Alison Ayliffe, I said
“ I have (for your ducks) some stale bread”
But later she boasted
That she had just toasted
That bread for her breakfast, instead !
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17 Guess his name?

There was a man sat under a hedge
Eating an enormous great wedge
Of mature Cheddar cheese
And a plateful of peas,
Of course, you’re right ! His name it was Reg.!
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18. Keep Trying !

A young man with hair blond and wavy
Worked hard as a chef in the Navy
His work, though quite stressful
Was mostly successful
But sadly, he couldn’t make gravy.
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19. A Scotsman (who now lives in Filton)
Decide to stay at the Hilton,
At Dinner one night
He gave three girls a fright
‘Cos he turned up with only his Kilt on !
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20. A Scotsman who lives in Dundee
Invited two ladies for tea,
Do you know what he did?
He charged them Ten Quid
They were shocked ‘cos they thought it was free !
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21. A board with ripe Cheeses to please,
Their fragrance will waft on the breeze
I write about Cheese,
With words such as these,
‘Cos there isn’t a rhyme for Fried Sausages !
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22. There was a keen gardener called Reg
Who grew and ate all his own veg
Mouth watering when tasted
And nothing was wasted
Including the clippings from his hedge !
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23. An overweight man from Zermatt
Was carrying far too much fat
He cut out the Fries
The Burgers and Pies
Now all that still fits is his hat!
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24. A Chef from Wales, named Dai
Owned a Café in downtown Shanghai
His most popular meal
Was Merthyr Vale Veal
Rice and Leeks, in a tasty Stirfry
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25. There was a young lady from Chippenham
Who ate lots of cakes with some jam in ‘em
She also liked chips,
And Walnut whips
But her clothes, she just couldn’t fit in ‘em.
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26. There once was a very green marrow
Whose girth was exceedingly narrow
When watered and fed,
With compost and bread,
It could only be pushed in a barrow!
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27 There once was a girl called Jill
Who supped beetroot soup to her fill.
She drunk it for lunch,
For dinner and brunch,
And wondered why it made her so ill!
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28. There once was a lady called Pru,
Who ate up all of her stew
She ate it with peas,
And some slices of cheese
Washed down with a tea cup of brew.
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29. There once was a boy called Jim,
Who wished to be terribly thin.
But the butter and cakes
And the bacon and steaks
Told the tale of the making of him!
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30. My taste buds are no friends of Health -care
Who insist on my bodily welfare –
Salt, vinegar, fat –
We’ll have none of that !
“Nick – bake me a squishy éclair!!

( make it 2 if you like!!!!!)

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31. There was a young Welshman from Mardy,
Whose favourite cake was the Lardy.
He relished the munch
And the chew and the crunch
And now he can’t do up his cardi.
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32. There is a young girl from Long Sutton
Roasts garlic with choice cuts of mutton.
She cooks thirty-nine cloves
With three sheep and two loaves,
And everyone calls her a glutton.
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33. A septuagenarian from Watts Lane
Ate duck eggs again and again.
They went to her knees,
Now she’s running with ease
And water rolls off in the rain.
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34. There was an old fellow from Leith
Sucked Vichyssoise soup through his teeth.
At last he expired
And his relicts aquired
A bouquet of leeks for his wreath.
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35. There was an old farmer from Pilton
Whose favourite cheese was the Stilton.
To cut to the chase
He went blue in the face
And expired on a carpet from Wilton.
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36. A lachrymose butcher from Leith
Had lost nearly all of his teeth.
He was able to suck
Scrambled eggs from a cup
But precluded from eating roast beef.
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37. There was a young lady from Chard
Whose flapjack was wickedly hard.
Her dad gave a grin
So she threw it at him
And now he is sticky and scarred.
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38. Home Cooking.

Crusty bread of seeds and rye
Butter and jam to make you sigh.
Afternoon tea my favourite time
A creamy sponge cake would be fine
Followed by humble pie.
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39. Reflections

I’m having some trouble with zips
Since I last enjoyed Fish and Chips,
I could wear the next size
By way of disguise
But the giveaway are my hips!
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40. Good Intentions

Five fruit and veg just for dinner
Already I start to feel thinner
Some crisps while I wait
Could just seal my fate
As approved by THE Michael Winner!
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41 Valentines Supper

I have this fantasy dream
Of a rich dark Chocolate Terrine
But the way to his heart
Is some warm Apple Tart
Covered in scrumptious Whipped Cream.
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42 There once was a jam called a cheese
Which on wholemealy bread is a wheeze
Or perhaps marmalade
On some toast could be made
After Bacon and Eggs it’s a “Please!”
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43. Boxing Carrot

A precocious young carrot named Leah
Took up boxing for a career.
She got smacked on the snout
By a Brussel Sprout
And ended up with a Cauliflower ear.
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44. A lady called Dolly from Dorset
Found she couldn’t lace up her corset –
She ate so much bread
And cheese that she said
“It’s no good, I’ll just have to force it”.
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45. A boy with a fondness for jelly
Would eat it while watching the telly.
He ate with his boots on
And dribbled a soupcon
Of jelly right in to his welly.
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46. A girl with a penchant for cream
Would eat some and then it would seem
A nightmare would follow
And she tried to swallow
her pillow. But ‘twas only a dream.
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47. A baker called Nick made a cake.
His wife said “For good-e-ness sake,
A big cake like that
Will make me too fat
When I want to be thin as a rake”
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48. There was a young lady called Gail,
Who washed down her food with real ale.
She gobbled and slurped
Then she trumped and she burped,
And then went incredibly pale!
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49. There once was a handsome young dude,
Who had an obsession with food.
Cold or hot
He woofed down the lot,
‘Cos to leave some is incredibly rude!
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50. Young Gail she went on a diet,
To eat healthy she said “I’ll try it”.
She didn’t lose weight,
Though the fish tasted great.
Then her Mum said “You’re not s’posed to fry it !.


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